my_thestral

Well, the title pretty much says it all. Happy and prosperous 2014, lots of health, success and fun along the way. I hope it's exciting and easy on you.
I wish myself more time to read and write. And for kids not to tear my head off in the first month already. ;)
Off to the new victories! :)

I was driving through the foggy tunnels last night - well, it wasn't technically a night yet, it was 6 PM, but it might as well have been a midnight for how dark and gloomy it was - and that after I've been stuck in a traffic jam for some time. And I had this thought that the BF, safely parked at home, will surely be grumpy that I'm home so late again. Walk a mile in my shoes, man... So these words came into my head, and as impulsive as I am, I immediately granted them melody (which I've been happily mumbling ever since, I woke up to the damn thing in my head!):

"First it's friction - then it's fraction.
See yourself in my reaction.
Let my anger catch fire -
Then just watch yourself burn!"

Cause that pretty much describes how we fight. :) He pisses me off and once my chain snaps, there's no going back. I howl like a werewolf! :) Luckily, we tend to avoid it in front of the kids, but sometimes it can't be helped. We've both got temper and I can't imagine mine being stifled. I'd die within a week, I think. Surely, one has to have their excessive emotion properly channelled, you'd end up in jail in the highly structured society we live in - or possibly dead should you unfortunately direct it at some badass - but I can't imagine not being able to express it, even if it is the bad sort.
I was talking to my friend recently who married to England and she's now raising her child in one of their schools: as soon as some child even attempts to throw a fit, immediately some teacher or another is upon him/her telling them this type of communication is unacceptable "kind words, kinds deeds" kind of thing. I disagree. A child should be able to express their negative feelings as well - perhaps not with screaming and tantrums and definitely not by hurting another child, but give them a chance to do it. Have 5 minutes for screaming or punching nails in the wood or something. You can't make them bottle it up and not act on them at all - just because you can't see them ergo they don't bother you, doesn't mean they're not there. I think a certain type of channelled aggressiveness should be allowed among children - some are more successful in releasing it through sports, others perhaps, should be given different means. I know I would probably not have many people agree with me, but perhaps those are well socialized individuals who feel good in their skin and have mastered certain techniques to keep their temper in check. Many children do not have those advantages just yet.
Just my two cents.
I sometimes think we try to over-structure, over-think and over-plan everything.  "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" Sounds familiar? One of the top job-interview questions.
There's hardly any room for improvisation left. We live in such a goal-orientated, purpose-driven society that doesn't allow us to enjoy the journey towards our goals but rather makes us feel guilty about the trip taking so long.... It's nice to achieve what you set out to do, it puts you on top of the world for a while, it makes you feel competent and self-assured - but was it really the goal alone that put you in this place? Did you take time to enjoy getting there or did you let yourself feel down for working so hard and just not being able to tick off the goal as "achieved" just yet? Would it really hurt to change that perspective, that's basically just bringing you down and making you feel bad about yourself - and opt for a set of smaller goals that you're more likely to achieve and that will - perhaps not put you on top of the world, but make you feel like you've accomplished something, every single day? Because if you stick to your super-goals and you do get there in the end - what will take the place of all the effort you put in? A lot of people suddenly feel empty, lose purpose and lose themselves when they finally get what they want. Perhaps it just isn't all that.
Life should not be made out of big purposes, big goals only, these should merely serve as milestones, it should be about enjoying a journey every single day you've got, cause that's what your life is, a string of days you've got to live and it all ends up too quickly. Let yourself feel proud when you've had a particularly nasty day and you've made it through nonetheless - so many don't. Perhaps you can finish it by pampering yourself for all the effort. Take a bath. Have a chocolate cake. I go and write a chapter. Possibly watch Downtown Abbey, if I'm uninspired, I'm 4 seasons behind. :) And when you've had a good day: now isn't that just brilliant!? :D Reward yourself by feeling great, no regrets about this not being enough, because it has left your "big and important" goal for another day. Head in the right direction and you'll get there. But don't always take a plane, take baby steps. :)
Holidays are upon us and it's making me a bit sad listening to my children discuss all the over-priced presents they hope to get. It should not be about that. I wish for once my wallet could be made fashionably thin for different reasons. I wish I could set my wallet in front of me and tell it:
"You might think you're a skinny bitch, but you're way too fat to carry around. So I'm taking you on a crash diet and you better lose those pounds before holidays or I'm not taking you to the New year's eve party - and that's something we both might come to regret! I want a morbidly thin wallet before holidays are done with you, d'you hear me!? Go out there and lose those pounds where you best see fit - but no indulging, nononono, little lady! Go and do good and when you come back worn out, exhausted and in your see-through form, I expect to see you utterly pleased with yourself. And if I see you buy one piece of plastic Chinese junk, I swear I'm dumping you! I'd rather have a younger model anyway!"
Then I'd take it around town, my kids in tow, making them dish out the coins, collecting the inevitable "thank you"s and "god bless you"s and the few drunken "Is that all you've got?!" <-- there's always people like that out there as well and I'd tell them to give me the fuck my money back, cause no ungrateful fart will have it and if I see them spending it on anything else than food and toilet paper, I'll personally feed them the coins, goddammit! :) I'm a bit of a fierce bitch from time to time and I will not suffer my wallet's genuine efforts to lose weight being dissed! :) I think it would be a good lesson to my kids to see that giving can also be rewarding, perhaps even more than receiving, especially when they've got almost anything a 3- and a 7-year old should have. A roof above their head. Loving, though slightly neurotic parents. Toys a gazillion. Each other. Time ahead of them. Peaceful time to enjoy. Their health. Their brains. Their future. So many lack one or more of these things and can't do a damn thing about it. We don't when we can and it's a damn shame.
Anyway, that would be an ideal scenario for my holiday "spending spree" (almost makes me want to be into making the Youtube videos); one that could make my greedy materialistically-oriented BF deliver me to the closed department of the nearest psych ward. But one can dream. And perhaps one day one can make others' dreams come true as well. Sometimes I'd like nothing better.
And I decided I need a break from my "Choices", so I came up with another short fic. I'll post it shortly, probably unbeata-ed, I can't bother the good lady that always come to my rescue with every little fart my mind comes up with. :)

I just finished a wonderfully entertaining book called Becoming Nancy by Terry Ronald (I loved it, BTW, a very sweet piece of youth literature), which I bought at the Luton Airport and I think it's an appropriate wrap to my London holiday.
In short: I loved it and I miss London already. I've spent some of my toughest and best times in that city and it will always hold a special place in my heart. It's where I first learned to stand up for myself, I came to terms with my anorexia which eventually lead towards me beating the bitch ;), I was even hit by a car there once - a lot of firsts!
And this time it was no less magical, though, luckily, with no tragic elements, hih! :) I stayed with my friend Tanja, whom I admire greatly. That girl has more education and knowledge than anyone else I know - a master's degree and a Ph.D. - and still no one would give her a steady job. She has to work three jobs just to be able to pay rent, feed herself and travel around abhorrently expensive London - and not much is left for anything else. You've gotta love this girl's resilience, but the life-style is slowly draining her. It's horrible to still be sharing a flat with 5 other people, strangers, really, at the age of 39. :( She longs to have a proper job, a place of her own, a cat and a baby - I think she might have given up a bit on actually finding someone to call her own, so she's dreaming of being a single mom instead.
I can't say I blame her, she's either unlucky or too soft at heart - but she seemed to have stumbled on a bunch of right bastards in the past and it had made her wary of forming another trusting bond. What.A.Bloody.Shame. She's such a nice smart giving tolerant person, but somehow those are always the ones that are left behind. :( And she's fun like hell, we've laughed like idiots deep into the wee hours of the morning every day. I tried to tell her: she should stand up for herself a bit more - after all, being occasional right bitch works wonders for me and for the respect men have for me (actually, I think they might fear me a little, respect is not won so easily!;)) - but she's just not that person! She's also self-conscious about her looks, but I told her time and time again - it's not what you've got, it's how you carry it. I think she might have heard me in the end, I noticed a slight change in her attitude and I liked that new confidence a lot!
Anyway, she's been saving to go around with me, doing some of the stuff I planned to experience, and that's another thing I really appreciated. Maybe it's that we're both Scorpios or that we just get along very well - but we had tons of fun! Even when she gave me the wrong phone number to contact her (she was supposed to pick me up at the tube station - luckily I'm fairly good with finding addresses on my own) and I duly repaid her by taking her room-keys with me when I returned to my homeland (already in the mail) - our friendship had no problem withstanding the tests of those less pleasant experiences and I'm already scheming another visit in a year or so. :)
The first day we went to Warner Bros studios where Harry Potter was filmed - and she's not even a proper fan, but I set my mind on converting her and I must say: mission complete! She loved it there - we took all the silly expensive photos, learnt to do wand-fighting (someone should have recorded us there, a true Youtube moment, we laughed like mental cause it's much harder than it looks!) and just generally ran around with our mouth gaping open! :) And since she's an art history student, she really appreciated the work that went into those movies and the only lament we had really, was the fact that you couldn't buy the replica's of art works displayed at the end. Of course we spent a fortune in their ridiculously expensive shop nevertheless - I think my sons would never forgive me if I didn't go broke in there for them - and even went to seek out the famous Platform 9 3/4 once we returned to London, taking more of the costly photos.
And what a test of our personalities this was! No one wanted to take a photo in a green Slytherin scarf, so I asked the man, assisting in taking the photos, why is that scarf being discriminated against. And he said there weren't many of Slytherin admirers there - so I said "I guess I'm the only one" and took a photo in a green scarf "just because" - I don't really care for house sorting. Tanja wanted the Gryffindor red, but I think it was, in fact, very Gryffindor of me to swim against the tide and stand up for the scarf that was being abandoned because of its ill reputation. ;) I think I might have persuaded the photo assistant that I was a true Slytherin fan, though: when he tied a scarf around my neck none to gently, I told him in my best Malfoyian voice not to attempt to murder me because of my house allegiance and he promised - rather red-faced - that he won't, so I told him: "Oh, I know you won't, I'd hex you!" :D Who would've said my favourite character was Ron Weasley... :)
And after the Potter frenzy was behind us - we also went to the Oxford street trying on the "dead-pheasant" hats and for her birthday, Tanja took me to a proper English Afternoon Tea, with scones, sandwiches, cakes and - of course - a waiter. :) I truly enjoyed that, I never had such an English experience, though I've been in and out of London  for years! Then we went to the Norwegian market (expensive but lovely!), and to the holiday market by the Thames and of course we had to go on a merry-go-round - I believe we were the only people above 20. :) Wish I could have bought some of the lovely whiskey-cheese I saw there, but I already had to leave my shoes and half of my clothes at Tanja's just to be able to stuff all the presents in my luggage. BTW - I went to London for 4 days with cabin luggage only - am I brave, or what?! For a woman, that is, I think any man could have pulled it off. ;)
But my absolute favourite was my b-day treat: seeing Mojo and of course, Rupert Grint perform live. I really like that man. Not in a teenage way, though, I didn't exactly wait to meet him at the stage door, screaming for his signature, but I like the way he comes across. He's got a quiet type of confidence about him and that's rare. Like he's a small Universe on his own. I like that about people, not too many of those out there.:) Plus he's an outstanding actor. I told Tanja that I liked him and she teased me forever about it, but I really don't give a fuck: I know good stuff when I see it :) and age difference has nothing to do with it. How is it, that it would have been OK to like Dustin Hoffman, who's old enough to be my father and it's funny that I like Rupert, because he's younger? I'm not out to marry the guy, for god's sake, even if I was the longing-for-marriage type and he was on the market - I do know my limits! ;) - but no one's gonna tell me who to like. Amen. And Rupert aside - I really enjoyed the gritty, raunchy play and the tight performance, it was just such a star-cast that they could hardly go wrong.
And it didn't harm my experience in the least that Alan Rickman, Professor Snape, sat in the same row as I. He made me get up a few times to squeeze himself by and at a certain moment I had an impulse of saying: You cannot pass! - but this would have been a different fandom all together and it might have earned me a Snape-ish smack on the back of my skull.:)
The show alone was well worth coming to London for, especially since the only theatre I've seen in ages were the half-hour kiddy plays I took my son to see. I still lament the days when I had a seasonal ticket and if I ever get to live in London (yeah, like that's bloody well likely!) I'm gonna see as much theatre as I can afford! After all - my parents met in a theatre play and I think my mother and her attempts at (family) drama could have pulled her an early Oscar! Dad's crap on stage, though, all wooden and desperately trying to remember his lines, but mom's a natural. I did a pretty good raven in Orwell's Animal farm as well! ;)
And before I knew it, it was time to go back to the screaming kids and grumpy boyfriend - we talked every day on Skype and phone anyway, it's not like I went on an inter-planetary mission, but the little one seemed to have missed me quite a lot, he cried himself to sleep half of the nights, no matter how brave he sounded on the phone. Poor baby - it was great to be reunited! :) So I guess it'll be a while before I go anywhere on my own again, but it doesn't really matter: those 4 days were for me alone and there's no saying how much they've recharged my flat batteries: I'm less snappish towards the kids, try a bit harder around the BF when he has a bad day and in general - life is good again! And I'm especially proud of myself cause I took a lot of shit from a lot of people who told me I shouldn't be going - much to my disappointment, my BF included - but I went and did it anyway, because this one time it felt really good to be selfish and treat myself. Yey, I did it! :D Can't wait for the next time.;)
And now it's back to writing for me. I've got 2 more chapters of my on-going fic "Choices" finished and another one in progress, all of them still un-betaed and I'm getting my courage together to bug a very special lady for more beta-ing (<- kindly observe my miserable attempt at hinting), but if she's too busy, then I guess I'll just go and embarrass myself some more! ;) Until then!

My son begged me into reading him another chapter of "The Chamber of secrets" today - and though it was already late, I indulged him, as much as myself. It always lifts my spirits after all and after an all-out war with my control-freak boyfriend last night, I could use some solace.
I think this one might be my son's favourite - it's definitely his favourite movie. It has all the elements a 7-year-old can appreciate: a spectacular and daring escape in a flying car, a fight between the Weasley and the Malfoy head of the family (you should hear him cheer for Arthur!), a weird house-elf, Ginny's crush on Harry - he giggles like mad when we come to this part, though he would never own up to it. :)
It's so sweet being 7 and loving Harry Potter from a complete different perspective than I do, that it warms up my heart. It really is a book for all ages, isn't it? :) One guy - a self-proclaimed literary critic - tried bashing it the other time on Facebook: not on my watch, Mister! I gave him a piece of my mind and though my love for metal music has me perfectly equipped for using expletives (and in every day life, I'm sadly very prone to do so!), I'm very careful not to do so when arguing - I'd much rather win an argument with my reasoning than with shouting/ scaring/ belittling someone into admitting defeat. And in the end - he capitulated, of course he did, c'mon, it's me after all: when I sink my teeth into something you're taking my jaw with you to an early grave, dude! ;)
And in the mean time I continue to write. What I posted so far, was mostly beta-ed, but I seem to have very poor timing and my writing is simply not appealing enough to keep someone on their toes as to what comes next (but we always knew that, didn't we?) - so what I post from now on, probably won't be. You can't have it all and if someone ever chooses to read my work and I get a comment "for god's sake, woman, get yourself a beta!" - well, it suits me right for abusing a perfectly good language, doesn't it?! :)
Life, come and meet me, I'm the one you just can't bring down. I've had an abominable year so far, truly one of the worst in my not-so-short life and I've been on down to the bottom so many times in this massacre of a year, that the imprints of the stones are showing on my bloody knees - but I always tell myself it's my job to get back up and win this shit, otherwise the world would forever be ruled by assholes. I can let life bring me down - everybody's gotta kneel sometimes, right? - I just can't let it keep me there. So here's to new victories and - inevitably - to new defeats: "I'll feed your darkness to my resilience as I struggle to walk on to the light..." I wrote that when I was 20 and struggling with anorexia. Would be printed on my crest if I ever had one. It even has a melody in my head. :)