17/12/2013 13:22![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
my_thestral
my_thestralI was driving through the foggy tunnels last night - well, it wasn't technically a night yet, it was 6 PM, but it might as well have been a midnight for how dark and gloomy it was - and that after I've been stuck in a traffic jam for some time. And I had this thought that the BF, safely parked at home, will surely be grumpy that I'm home so late again. Walk a mile in my shoes, man... So these words came into my head, and as impulsive as I am, I immediately granted them melody (which I've been happily mumbling ever since, I woke up to the damn thing in my head!):
"First it's friction - then it's fraction.
See yourself in my reaction.
Let my anger catch fire -
Then just watch yourself burn!"
Cause that pretty much describes how we fight. :) He pisses me off and once my chain snaps, there's no going back. I howl like a werewolf! :) Luckily, we tend to avoid it in front of the kids, but sometimes it can't be helped. We've both got temper and I can't imagine mine being stifled. I'd die within a week, I think. Surely, one has to have their excessive emotion properly channelled, you'd end up in jail in the highly structured society we live in - or possibly dead should you unfortunately direct it at some badass - but I can't imagine not being able to express it, even if it is the bad sort.
I was talking to my friend recently who married to England and she's now raising her child in one of their schools: as soon as some child even attempts to throw a fit, immediately some teacher or another is upon him/her telling them this type of communication is unacceptable "kind words, kinds deeds" kind of thing. I disagree. A child should be able to express their negative feelings as well - perhaps not with screaming and tantrums and definitely not by hurting another child, but give them a chance to do it. Have 5 minutes for screaming or punching nails in the wood or something. You can't make them bottle it up and not act on them at all - just because you can't see them ergo they don't bother you, doesn't mean they're not there. I think a certain type of channelled aggressiveness should be allowed among children - some are more successful in releasing it through sports, others perhaps, should be given different means. I know I would probably not have many people agree with me, but perhaps those are well socialized individuals who feel good in their skin and have mastered certain techniques to keep their temper in check. Many children do not have those advantages just yet.
Just my two cents.
I sometimes think we try to over-structure, over-think and over-plan everything. "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" Sounds familiar? One of the top job-interview questions.
There's hardly any room for improvisation left. We live in such a goal-orientated, purpose-driven society that doesn't allow us to enjoy the journey towards our goals but rather makes us feel guilty about the trip taking so long.... It's nice to achieve what you set out to do, it puts you on top of the world for a while, it makes you feel competent and self-assured - but was it really the goal alone that put you in this place? Did you take time to enjoy getting there or did you let yourself feel down for working so hard and just not being able to tick off the goal as "achieved" just yet? Would it really hurt to change that perspective, that's basically just bringing you down and making you feel bad about yourself - and opt for a set of smaller goals that you're more likely to achieve and that will - perhaps not put you on top of the world, but make you feel like you've accomplished something, every single day? Because if you stick to your super-goals and you do get there in the end - what will take the place of all the effort you put in? A lot of people suddenly feel empty, lose purpose and lose themselves when they finally get what they want. Perhaps it just isn't all that.
Life should not be made out of big purposes, big goals only, these should merely serve as milestones, it should be about enjoying a journey every single day you've got, cause that's what your life is, a string of days you've got to live and it all ends up too quickly. Let yourself feel proud when you've had a particularly nasty day and you've made it through nonetheless - so many don't. Perhaps you can finish it by pampering yourself for all the effort. Take a bath. Have a chocolate cake. I go and write a chapter. Possibly watch Downtown Abbey, if I'm uninspired, I'm 4 seasons behind. :) And when you've had a good day: now isn't that just brilliant!? :D Reward yourself by feeling great, no regrets about this not being enough, because it has left your "big and important" goal for another day. Head in the right direction and you'll get there. But don't always take a plane, take baby steps. :)
Holidays are upon us and it's making me a bit sad listening to my children discuss all the over-priced presents they hope to get. It should not be about that. I wish for once my wallet could be made fashionably thin for different reasons. I wish I could set my wallet in front of me and tell it:
"You might think you're a skinny bitch, but you're way too fat to carry around. So I'm taking you on a crash diet and you better lose those pounds before holidays or I'm not taking you to the New year's eve party - and that's something we both might come to regret! I want a morbidly thin wallet before holidays are done with you, d'you hear me!? Go out there and lose those pounds where you best see fit - but no indulging, nononono, little lady! Go and do good and when you come back worn out, exhausted and in your see-through form, I expect to see you utterly pleased with yourself. And if I see you buy one piece of plastic Chinese junk, I swear I'm dumping you! I'd rather have a younger model anyway!"
Then I'd take it around town, my kids in tow, making them dish out the coins, collecting the inevitable "thank you"s and "god bless you"s and the few drunken "Is that all you've got?!" <-- there's always people like that out there as well and I'd tell them to give me the fuck my money back, cause no ungrateful fart will have it and if I see them spending it on anything else than food and toilet paper, I'll personally feed them the coins, goddammit! :) I'm a bit of a fierce bitch from time to time and I will not suffer my wallet's genuine efforts to lose weight being dissed! :) I think it would be a good lesson to my kids to see that giving can also be rewarding, perhaps even more than receiving, especially when they've got almost anything a 3- and a 7-year old should have. A roof above their head. Loving, though slightly neurotic parents. Toys a gazillion. Each other. Time ahead of them. Peaceful time to enjoy. Their health. Their brains. Their future. So many lack one or more of these things and can't do a damn thing about it. We don't when we can and it's a damn shame.
Anyway, that would be an ideal scenario for my holiday "spending spree" (almost makes me want to be into making the Youtube videos); one that could make my greedy materialistically-oriented BF deliver me to the closed department of the nearest psych ward. But one can dream. And perhaps one day one can make others' dreams come true as well. Sometimes I'd like nothing better.
And I decided I need a break from my "Choices", so I came up with another short fic. I'll post it shortly, probably unbeata-ed, I can't bother the good lady that always come to my rescue with every little fart my mind comes up with. :)
"First it's friction - then it's fraction.
See yourself in my reaction.
Let my anger catch fire -
Then just watch yourself burn!"
Cause that pretty much describes how we fight. :) He pisses me off and once my chain snaps, there's no going back. I howl like a werewolf! :) Luckily, we tend to avoid it in front of the kids, but sometimes it can't be helped. We've both got temper and I can't imagine mine being stifled. I'd die within a week, I think. Surely, one has to have their excessive emotion properly channelled, you'd end up in jail in the highly structured society we live in - or possibly dead should you unfortunately direct it at some badass - but I can't imagine not being able to express it, even if it is the bad sort.
I was talking to my friend recently who married to England and she's now raising her child in one of their schools: as soon as some child even attempts to throw a fit, immediately some teacher or another is upon him/her telling them this type of communication is unacceptable "kind words, kinds deeds" kind of thing. I disagree. A child should be able to express their negative feelings as well - perhaps not with screaming and tantrums and definitely not by hurting another child, but give them a chance to do it. Have 5 minutes for screaming or punching nails in the wood or something. You can't make them bottle it up and not act on them at all - just because you can't see them ergo they don't bother you, doesn't mean they're not there. I think a certain type of channelled aggressiveness should be allowed among children - some are more successful in releasing it through sports, others perhaps, should be given different means. I know I would probably not have many people agree with me, but perhaps those are well socialized individuals who feel good in their skin and have mastered certain techniques to keep their temper in check. Many children do not have those advantages just yet.
Just my two cents.
I sometimes think we try to over-structure, over-think and over-plan everything. "Where do you see yourself in 10 years?" Sounds familiar? One of the top job-interview questions.
There's hardly any room for improvisation left. We live in such a goal-orientated, purpose-driven society that doesn't allow us to enjoy the journey towards our goals but rather makes us feel guilty about the trip taking so long.... It's nice to achieve what you set out to do, it puts you on top of the world for a while, it makes you feel competent and self-assured - but was it really the goal alone that put you in this place? Did you take time to enjoy getting there or did you let yourself feel down for working so hard and just not being able to tick off the goal as "achieved" just yet? Would it really hurt to change that perspective, that's basically just bringing you down and making you feel bad about yourself - and opt for a set of smaller goals that you're more likely to achieve and that will - perhaps not put you on top of the world, but make you feel like you've accomplished something, every single day? Because if you stick to your super-goals and you do get there in the end - what will take the place of all the effort you put in? A lot of people suddenly feel empty, lose purpose and lose themselves when they finally get what they want. Perhaps it just isn't all that.
Life should not be made out of big purposes, big goals only, these should merely serve as milestones, it should be about enjoying a journey every single day you've got, cause that's what your life is, a string of days you've got to live and it all ends up too quickly. Let yourself feel proud when you've had a particularly nasty day and you've made it through nonetheless - so many don't. Perhaps you can finish it by pampering yourself for all the effort. Take a bath. Have a chocolate cake. I go and write a chapter. Possibly watch Downtown Abbey, if I'm uninspired, I'm 4 seasons behind. :) And when you've had a good day: now isn't that just brilliant!? :D Reward yourself by feeling great, no regrets about this not being enough, because it has left your "big and important" goal for another day. Head in the right direction and you'll get there. But don't always take a plane, take baby steps. :)
Holidays are upon us and it's making me a bit sad listening to my children discuss all the over-priced presents they hope to get. It should not be about that. I wish for once my wallet could be made fashionably thin for different reasons. I wish I could set my wallet in front of me and tell it:
"You might think you're a skinny bitch, but you're way too fat to carry around. So I'm taking you on a crash diet and you better lose those pounds before holidays or I'm not taking you to the New year's eve party - and that's something we both might come to regret! I want a morbidly thin wallet before holidays are done with you, d'you hear me!? Go out there and lose those pounds where you best see fit - but no indulging, nononono, little lady! Go and do good and when you come back worn out, exhausted and in your see-through form, I expect to see you utterly pleased with yourself. And if I see you buy one piece of plastic Chinese junk, I swear I'm dumping you! I'd rather have a younger model anyway!"
Then I'd take it around town, my kids in tow, making them dish out the coins, collecting the inevitable "thank you"s and "god bless you"s and the few drunken "Is that all you've got?!" <-- there's always people like that out there as well and I'd tell them to give me the fuck my money back, cause no ungrateful fart will have it and if I see them spending it on anything else than food and toilet paper, I'll personally feed them the coins, goddammit! :) I'm a bit of a fierce bitch from time to time and I will not suffer my wallet's genuine efforts to lose weight being dissed! :) I think it would be a good lesson to my kids to see that giving can also be rewarding, perhaps even more than receiving, especially when they've got almost anything a 3- and a 7-year old should have. A roof above their head. Loving, though slightly neurotic parents. Toys a gazillion. Each other. Time ahead of them. Peaceful time to enjoy. Their health. Their brains. Their future. So many lack one or more of these things and can't do a damn thing about it. We don't when we can and it's a damn shame.
Anyway, that would be an ideal scenario for my holiday "spending spree" (almost makes me want to be into making the Youtube videos); one that could make my greedy materialistically-oriented BF deliver me to the closed department of the nearest psych ward. But one can dream. And perhaps one day one can make others' dreams come true as well. Sometimes I'd like nothing better.
And I decided I need a break from my "Choices", so I came up with another short fic. I'll post it shortly, probably unbeata-ed, I can't bother the good lady that always come to my rescue with every little fart my mind comes up with. :)
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