I've got friends...

06/09/2013 01:16
my_thestral: (Default)
Yes, I do and good ones as well. And a boyfriend of over a decade. Father of my children. And yet - somehow it feels as if true closeness evades me. And then there are the kids. One has Asperger's syndrome and has problems communicating his feelings. I feel he's constantly angry, because he's frustrated - there's so much going on in his head and he has limited means to express it. I feel so sorry for him and though sometimes he irritates the living shit out of me, I love him fiercely. He's more alike me than he knows. I, too, have problems expressing my complex feelings. There's just so many of them. And I'm terribly emphatic, I read other people quite well, but I also read how they see me and for me it's a constant process of self-evaluation. I really shouldn't bother so much, I'm never gonna change, I don't see why I should.
My other son desperately craves close contact. He's constantly on my heals to play with him, to just sit with him and read to him, to go to sleep with him and he tries to impress me in his own little way. He's such a sweetheart. I have no doubt that one day he will make one girl (or a boy, who knows?, who cares) very happy.
I wish I had someone like him my age around me. I like - and miss - his brutal sincerity, his child-like wonder at everything I do and his ability to make me laugh by just being his silly little self. It would be nice to have someone like that around. Which I don't. I only have my writing. And I'm finally doing some of it and it's silly how happy it makes me. :) Even though I know it lacks the necessary quality to be worth reading - no point in not being realistic about it. But I'm still doing it, I'm sharing it with my virtual self, if no one else and it makes me feel as if I'm finally getting through... I guess through the savage cluttered space that is my mind and making sense. To myself, at least.
I'm lucky to have developed a great deal of self-appreciation. It makes me happy if someone thinks highly of me and my work as well - but it's not necessary for the survival of my self-esteem. That's one crucial life-lesson I've learnt: there will always be friend, boyfriends, people coming or going. But just one self-esteem. You can't afford to have it irreparably damaged.
And I'm out for the night with another one of my mindless midnight ramblings. :)
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Once again I am nocturnal

01/09/2013 01:41
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A bitch of a day behind me, if I say so myself. Kids simply vampirized today - I mean, they're my kids, they're always difficult and I kind of already got used to that, I'm sort of immune to the "regular" kind of difficulty: but today they made me roar my throat sore. Several times.
Maybe they sense the change and they're nervous - after all, they're going back to kindergarten and school after what felt like endless summer holiday. I can understand nervous. What I can't understand is vicious. Why on God's bloody earth do they constantly feel the need to act as if they'd rather be friends with Voldemort than with each other?! I know they love each other - they miss each other terribly when they're apart, especially the little one does, it is a bit harder to read the feelings of my older son - Asperger's syndrome will do that to you. But I trust he loves his brother as well.
Why, then, can't they play together for one bloody minute - literally! - without it all ending in piercing screams and "mom, he tried to strangle me", "mom, help, he's biting", mom, mom, mom, mom...
They do have a father, mind you, but sadly my BF of many years is one of those distant geek types that would rather not get involved (unless it disturbs his programming focus) and I'm virtually a single mom most of the times. Wanna know how our holiday at the sea looked like? He was stuck in the hotel room working on a project and I was left to my own devices to take care of the kids. One, who only just learnt how to swim (I was nervous like a wasp when he headed for the water) and one who felt inexplicable need to head for the nearest road with heavy traffic at precisely the same time the other one hit the water. So much for healthy parenting. And I can't even complain - we really need the money and this project my BF is working on, will deliver. But I'm just saying... I'd really like to have three children, but with him - perhaps not. I'm not saying he doesn't love them, he very obviously does, there's not a thing he wouldn't do for them. Except hang out with them on day-to-day basis. Because that lacks obvious purpose and it's boring to an adult. Not every adult. But the type of adult he is.
I've met his mother, I know what I'm talking about. I'm willing to bet everything I own that her primary raising-up technique consisted of putting him 90% of time in front of this screen or another and just trying to pretend he does not exist. Children must be seen, but not heard, she told me once. My excruciatingly loud kids make her jump out of her skin. :) She and her meek compliant husband would visit for a week - she lives a 1000 miles away from us in another country altogether - and we're all glad to part ways. Except the husband, the kids granddad. He's a real cool guy. Literally, to be able to keep up with her and cool as in "wicked" - kids adore their opa. He gets to all kinds of things with them, takes them fishing, plays with them, reads to them...
It would be nice to have a life-partner like that. I'm not saying our opa, god forbid, I already have a father (oh, my what a thought! :P), but just someone who'd be able to show he cares. Not only when crisis hits - cause that's when my BF delivers, no doubt about that, he's been by my side through the worst of it - but on everyday basis. Cause it gets lonely and desperately tiring constantly being the only one to manage everything, the job, the exhausting daily driving on the country's most vicious highway (150 km every day), the entire household and the kids that would make The Horned one himself abandon Hell and head for the hills in a desperate attempt to save his sanity. On some days they squeeze my brain empty like a lemon. This was one of those days. As in making you want to tie them to the fence with a big sign: "Garage sale. Take one, get one free." Yeah, that bad. :)
I guess having to do some last-minute shopping for school stuff didn't really help improve the day. It is depressing for financial reasons; frustrating, cause kids always want the brand and most out-of-this-world stuff that cost a kidney on a black market; and nerve-wrecking because of the retarded school system that we have when you never know if you're going to get everything on time. Simply murderous.
So I'm once again stuck here in the wee hours of tomorrow, unable to sleep due to exhaustion. I did kill a chapter of my fan-fiction yesterday, though. As in finish, not scrap. Yey, go me, go! :) Though I'll undoubtedly have to rewrite it and edit it a million times, it's still a great relief to be rid of it. It's one of those chapters that needed to be written to glue the story together, but you wish it didn't really need to be there. Never mind, the next one will be so much more pleasant.
So will I see the inside of the bed-covers tonight? I certainly hope so. That's where I'm headed. :) For inspiration. New chapter, new day awaits. Hopefully better.
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Where the hell's the end to this summer?

20/08/2013 01:46
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Tired like a mother-... -  well, my metal-music-induced vocabulary just calls me to write "motherfucker", but let's keep some civility, shall we? - and in a weak attempt to re-phrase this: put me next to a dinosaur and I'll make it look alive in comparison. I'm just dead out, so naturally - why go to bed? I never ever sleep when I'm tired, cause that's just how screwed up my brain is - thanks for nothing, scumbag brain! - so why bother?
Having spent my day running behind two kids who are unrelenting in their attempts to off each other, I'm desperate for some comfort. So I'm reading. Anything I can get my hands on. Reading a translation of the Game of thrones book - I just realized that's a first for me, I've only ever read the originals of the Fire & Ice series - reading some fanfiction, but too tired & uninspired to continue work on my own piece.
Though I really should, cause I hate unfinished business. But there you go - I suppose that's what Rita Skeeter's character would do to you, leave you frustrated and deflated. But that's OK, I'm to tired to care. :)
Just listening to the howling winds of the tempest developing outside in these ungodly hours leaves me with a dark feeling of satisfaction. It's enjoying the silence and the sound of my own mind at the background of raging nature. Is there a better life? (*insert sad smile*)
It'll get better, I guess the summer holidays (some holidays, which Einstein thought it was a good idea to call them that!?) just don't agree with my restless nature. Will wake up in winter when everyone else goes to slumber. Odd one out again, eh?
Croatia was nice, though. Can't wait to be back to my fatherland next year. And the kids loved it, though my "I-don't-like-the-beach-take-me-back-to-my-iPad" nerd of a boyfriend - not so much. See if I care, man. You're going there again next year, take one for the team, will you - or we'll just go without you and have a blast. Kindly meet your Scorpio girlfriend - it's my way or it's my way. :)
Eh, blabbing again, God help me, when my neurons and synapses get all tangled up and I start bashing anything that lies in my path. Shut up, girl, and do try to enjoy the three hours of tossing and turning ahead. Who knows, I might actually get to sleep for 5 minutes before my son wakes up before the rooster. ;)
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