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Yes, I do and good ones as well. And a boyfriend of over a decade. Father of my children. And yet - somehow it feels as if true closeness evades me. And then there are the kids. One has Asperger's syndrome and has problems communicating his feelings. I feel he's constantly angry, because he's frustrated - there's so much going on in his head and he has limited means to express it. I feel so sorry for him and though sometimes he irritates the living shit out of me, I love him fiercely. He's more alike me than he knows. I, too, have problems expressing my complex feelings. There's just so many of them. And I'm terribly emphatic, I read other people quite well, but I also read how they see me and for me it's a constant process of self-evaluation. I really shouldn't bother so much, I'm never gonna change, I don't see why I should.
My other son desperately craves close contact. He's constantly on my heals to play with him, to just sit with him and read to him, to go to sleep with him and he tries to impress me in his own little way. He's such a sweetheart. I have no doubt that one day he will make one girl (or a boy, who knows?, who cares) very happy.
I wish I had someone like him my age around me. I like - and miss - his brutal sincerity, his child-like wonder at everything I do and his ability to make me laugh by just being his silly little self. It would be nice to have someone like that around. Which I don't. I only have my writing. And I'm finally doing some of it and it's silly how happy it makes me. :) Even though I know it lacks the necessary quality to be worth reading - no point in not being realistic about it. But I'm still doing it, I'm sharing it with my virtual self, if no one else and it makes me feel as if I'm finally getting through... I guess through the savage cluttered space that is my mind and making sense. To myself, at least.
I'm lucky to have developed a great deal of self-appreciation. It makes me happy if someone thinks highly of me and my work as well - but it's not necessary for the survival of my self-esteem. That's one crucial life-lesson I've learnt: there will always be friend, boyfriends, people coming or going. But just one self-esteem. You can't afford to have it irreparably damaged.
And I'm out for the night with another one of my mindless midnight ramblings. :)
My other son desperately craves close contact. He's constantly on my heals to play with him, to just sit with him and read to him, to go to sleep with him and he tries to impress me in his own little way. He's such a sweetheart. I have no doubt that one day he will make one girl (or a boy, who knows?, who cares) very happy.
I wish I had someone like him my age around me. I like - and miss - his brutal sincerity, his child-like wonder at everything I do and his ability to make me laugh by just being his silly little self. It would be nice to have someone like that around. Which I don't. I only have my writing. And I'm finally doing some of it and it's silly how happy it makes me. :) Even though I know it lacks the necessary quality to be worth reading - no point in not being realistic about it. But I'm still doing it, I'm sharing it with my virtual self, if no one else and it makes me feel as if I'm finally getting through... I guess through the savage cluttered space that is my mind and making sense. To myself, at least.
I'm lucky to have developed a great deal of self-appreciation. It makes me happy if someone thinks highly of me and my work as well - but it's not necessary for the survival of my self-esteem. That's one crucial life-lesson I've learnt: there will always be friend, boyfriends, people coming or going. But just one self-esteem. You can't afford to have it irreparably damaged.
And I'm out for the night with another one of my mindless midnight ramblings. :)
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